Thoughts on Our Thoughts

By Sandi Smith

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".
--William Shakespeare, from Hamlet, Act II, Scene II

Dusty, my husband was 20 minutes late. Dinner was almost ready. The chicken was browning nicely as it quietly sizzled in the pan on top of the stove. The potatoes were boiling. The iced tea was poured. Where was he? He should have been home by now.

Dusty gets off at six from his gas station job. It only takes him five minute to get home in this small town. But it was 6:25 already. My mind was racing at the possibilities. In the last fifteen minutes, I imagined every bad thing that could happen to him. Was he in a wreck? Did he stop off in a bar? Was he in the hospital? Did the gas station blow up some time earlier? Did he decide to dump me, never to return home? I started to go over the last conversation we had. I wondered if the last sex we had was good enough. I worried myself sick. The chicken was almost done, and there was no sign of him.

At 6:30, Dusty came through the door smiling. I angrily unloaded on him. “Where were you? I’ve been waiting. The chicken’s burnt and cold.” I hated that he put me through this worry. Dusty’s smile turned into a frown.

Your awareness of the destructive nature of your own thoughts is a huge first step.

That was a common scene from my life 25 years ago. I have learned a valuable lesson since then that has made me exceedingly happy and peaceful, and I want to share it with you in this article.

We each have three components to our reality, to how we live:

• our actions – what we do,
• our words – what we say, and
• our thoughts – what we think.

Our thoughts are unique to us alone. Unless they’re shared through words and actions, we are the only ones who experience them. In that way, our reality, what’s happening to us, is one-of-a-kind; no one but us experiences it. This is so important to grasp.

Dusty had his thoughts that day too. His boss asked him to stay a few extra minutes after work that day. He praised Dusty and gave him additional responsibilities. Dusty was promoted to Assistant Station Manager. That’s why he was late. He walked in the door smiling, on top of the world, ready to share his good news with his spouse. Before he could get a word in, she dumped all over him. The mood and the evening were ruined. Dusty had a completely different reality from his wife. He didn’t deserve to be treated like that, not even knowing what hit him. The verbalizing of destructive thoughts like hers will certainly lead to the disintegration of the relationship.

Our words and our actions are something we share with others. Words and actions become part of our and other’s realities. But thoughts are different. They can help or hurt a relationship, a job, and even our own well-being.

My error 25 years ago was to turn my thoughts, which were not real, into reality, a reality that was counterproductive. I worried about Dusty because I loved him, I reasoned back then, but my behavior toward him when he entered the house was far from loving. It was angry, jealous, and uncalled for. Dusty hadn’t done anything wrong, but I made him wrong when he walked in the door. I may have loved him, but my insecurities were what were talking back then, not love.

What I’ve learned to do is separate thoughts, words, and actions. Words and actions between two people are real. Thoughts are only my own. Not only should we not voice them at times, but we’re better off not to even have them in some cases. I’ve learned to follow Shakespeare’s advice. I rarely label something as good or bad. It just is. My thoughts are just thoughts, not reality. When I give them less power, they tend to stop.

Today, if Dusty was 20 minutes late, I probably wouldn’t even notice. I’d be in the moment of cooking my spinach soufflé (no more fried foods), catching up on email, or washing up before dinner. I no longer worry about things that aren’t likely to happen. My mind is much more quiet, with fewer thoughts these days. I am happy and at peace.

If my mind had been empty 25 years ago, when Dusty came home, I would have been happy to see him. Maybe I would have greeted him with a loud, enthusiastic, “Hi Honey, how was your day?!”

Ask yourself if you ever worry over something that is unlikely to happen. Do you worry about your performance review at work before it happens? Do you worry that the plane that you’re flying in will crash? Do you worry that your kid will get bad grades at school? Do you worry that you’ll blow next week’s sales presentation?

If you do, you’re normal. Just don’t let these worries take over your life. Do you worry so much that you drown your worries in drinking or drugs? I hope not.

The antidote to worry is preparation, self-confidence, and controlling your thoughts. Work hard all year, ask the boss once a month how you’re doing, and you shouldn’t have any annual performance anxiety because you know where you stand. Help you kid with his homework, talk to teachers, and there will be no surprises on the report card. Hire a speech coach. And so on. Do what it takes to constructively control your worries.

It’s easy to know what to do to prepare, but what if negative thoughts keep coming?

Kevin, a high-school dropout, read at a third-grade level when I met him. After meeting me for three hours a week at the library, he picked up his reading to a fifth grade level. He wanted to continue, but his wife was giving him trouble. She thought Kevin was seeing another woman during his reading lessons. I told him to invite her to the sessions. He never did. He dropped out shortly after. Kevin’s wife was afraid that he would get smart and leave her. Rather than help Kevin succeed, she smashed him with her insecurities. This is not something we should do to the people in our lives that we love the most.

Your awareness of the destructive nature of your own thoughts is a huge first step. Label your thoughts when they happen, then let them go. Remind yourself that they are only your reality and not others’, and that they are a waste of energy. As you label them each time, let them go. Soon you’ll find they’ll come less and less frequently. It’s only when we make them important that they become destructive.

Now please do not take what I’m saying to a nihilistic direction. I don’t mean to dismiss all thoughts, because sometimes our intuition can be very powerfully positive. I don’t mean for you to ignore responsibility and throw caution to the wind. I simply mean for you to look at your thoughts to see if any of them are destructive to you or your loved ones around you.

Another solution to calm your worried mind is to learn to meditate. This is a great way to learn to quiet your thoughts and find peace of mind.

Think before you turn your thoughts into words or actions, and you’ll find a whole new world of happiness and peace for yourself and others.

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